Say Anything… or Almost Anything.

I just love music. Being a Filipino, this is not surprising since we are raised with an appreciation for it. My love for music went beyond the usual listening that most people do and I am blessed enough to be working in this industry, the music industry.

I belong to a group that is currently performing in Guam and according to some people, we all have our distinct contributions to the mix. While my counterparts sing high pitched ballads, tagalog hits and such, I have my own niche. I see myself as the one that brings in a little of the obscure into the band’s repertoire.

I love alternative, 80’s and rather obscure songs. I sing male alternative songs since these are some of the songs I love to listen to. I also love doing ballads that very few people sing as well. Being an 80’s teen ( yeah yeah, so telling of my age, that phrase…hahaha ), I also love doing songs by such 80’s music mavens like Spandau Ballet, Depeche Mode and Fra Lippo Lippi. Also love songs by artists that a lot of people are not familiar with, like Eddy Brickell, Lisa Loeb, Nena and other such artists.

Stepping into the 90’s and the new millenium, I just enjoy doing Alanis Morissette, Bic Runga, Gwen Stefani, Garbage and others similar to them. Lately, I have been practicing songs by male artists and these are usually within my usual alternative music sphere. David Cook, Daughtry and One Republic belong to this list.

While I may not have one of the most requested songs in the group, I do not really mind since I enjoy what I am singing and that is truly what matters. Giving a part of you to people via your art is what we are all about after all and my art is singing songs that I feel are part of me and who I am.

I am a singer by profession and while there are people who do not really consider me or my voice to be of the kind that is exceptional enough to be used professionally, I am in fact using it professionally. I got to thinking about this fact recently after I had a talk with my bandmate and roommate about my vocal quality, my contribution to the band and all that. We got to discussing the fact that in the past, a lot of the people we worked with, be it our band managers, booking agents or band leaders, often considered taking me out of the picture when they needed to reorganize the band and the one reason why they never really got me out of the picture was because my bandmate (and current roommate) would threaten that she won’t perform or continue with the group if I were not part of it. This kind of got to me and my self esteem (which has been suffering major blows due to the age factor, my figure, my voice and all that) plumetted bigtime!

Why am I indeed singing when people thought I was not good enough to be onstage because of it? Granted, I do have a pretty enough face but then again, a face a singer does not make. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy singing a whole lot and performing is one of my passions in life but when you get struck by the realization that you are not as good as you might want to be, you tend to re-analyze the reasons why you ever started performing in the first place. I can carry a tune, I can dance well enough and I do project well onstage but when you are clumped together in a group with women who all hit high notes and you are the only one who does not "belt out" tunes, you usually try and find out why you are still in the group in the first place. I often call myself "the weakest link" in the group or "the face factor" and one of my bandmates ( our keyboard player) often agrees…talk about another blow to a person’s ego…hahaha! I might sound like I am wallowing in self pity with this blog but I can’t help but think about my role in all this.

I have tried quitting the stage life a few times in the past however, a force greater than all the band managers, band mates and critics combined stops me from leaving this profession. Everytime I tell myself, I’m not going to sing anymore, the very next day or that same day, I get swamped by offers for gigs, jamming sessions and even international bookings and that is when the confusion begins to set in. If I were not as good as some people tend to make me believe, why do I get offers to continue singing? What is the Big Man up there trying to let me know and want me to do?

I recently realized that while I am not as good as the rest of my bandmates when it came to using my pipes, I actually played a huge role in my group. While some of them do not realize that this role is just as important as the role that the best voices in the group play, it is still part of the group’s packaging. My role in the group is to essentially be the voice that speaks up when it is needed…not just in music but in creating the kind of publicity and image that the group needs to rise above the other musical groups out there. My other God given talent with the written word is going to be the one vessel that the group can use to get us recognized as a singing group to be reckoned with. My skill with writing and sometimes with public speaking can help my group in ways that a song might not be able to do so.

Aside from the writing and speaking part, I can also say that I do my share of keeping the group in line when it comes to professionalism, doing some of the legwork that is much needed when it comes to the things we need for our performances and all that. After all, performing does not begin and end with the person simply being on stage and singing or dancing. The much needed song files for singing, lyrics and other materials we require for us to practice the songs that people want to hear have to be acquired and that sometimes falls on my shoulders. Finding ways to secure certain equipment for our work, like the laptop we were to use for our gigs, also fell on my shoulders since nobody else was either willing to put their necks out for it or were gutsy enough and resourceful enough to find a way to get what we needed. Voicing out some of our concerns and following up on these concerns can also end up being my responsibility when it came down to the band’s needs. All these, and probably more, make up my role in the group. While some people might not appreciate the role I play for the group and some people even think it is not as important as what other people contribute to the group’s overall image and composition, I still need to do these things not just for them but for myself as well. The roles we play may seem insignificant to others but we know that we are where we are for a purpose and the purpose that I serve where I am right now is one that I will gladly play for as long as I can for my sake and for the sake of others too.

Don’t you ever wonder why people enter and leave your life the way they do? I have often wondered about that and if you really think about it, each person that passes through your life leaves a little something behind to make you what you are now and what you will be in the future. These little encounters with others leaves us with lessons that have been learned, big or small, and helps us to understand the bigger picture of what our life should and could be.

I have played a lot of roles for a lot of different people and others have done the same for me. We all have a purpose in each other’s lives and when we can be most useful to others is not up to us but up to fate. We step into the lives of other people just as they step into our lives at the most opportune moment, when we are most needed and when we need them the most. We may not realize what our roles are in the lives of the people surrounding us at this moment. We may not even know what their roles are in our lives, or our roles in their lives for that matter, for a certain amount of time. You will simply realize that you have played a part in the life of someone else or that they played a huge part in yours somewhere down the road. That is when you will begin to understand that the roles we play are important to the development of so many people’s lives and futures and that no matter what hurt, happiness, joy or sorrow they may give us or we give them, it is all part of the plan to make our lives what they are and what they will be.

How does one define value and how do we value others as well as ourselves? I used to think that when you value others above yourself, you end up having people love you for being the kind of person that they can count on and they can value too. In some instances, maybe yes, this can be true. There are also instances when you tend to put others above yourself more times than most that they begin to get too used to it and the way you value them that you soon fade into the background simply because they know you will be there when they need you to be there for them. When does a person begin to lose their value in themselves and their value to others? Why do they lose their value? Is it because they let others do it for them or do they do it to themselves?

I had a long talk with a friend of mine today amidst tears that I had to wipe off with a table napkin ( we were sitting at lunch when this happened ). She told me that I needed to value myself more and to not give myself up totally to those I care for. I thought long and hard about this statement of hers and as much as I think she is right, part of me won’t let me do things that way… it’s just not me. She also told me I needed to see what I had to offer and what I was and that in making myself try too hard to keep myself grounded by putting myself down all the time is actually not good for my self esteem and my motivation. I believe she is right in that aspect. I need to renew my faith in myself and in what I can do and achieve. I think that it is about time that I see my worth and to live my life with half for myself and half for others, not majority for others and almost none for me. I will still devote time, effort, emotion and money on those that I do care for…just not as much as I used to though to help keep my self esteem, my sanity and my true value intact. After all, If I can’t value myself for what I really am, no one else probably will.

If only I could get away from it all, fly away to someplace where no one can find me or knows me, begin a new life where I can be alone. I want to find myself again, I want to breathe a new kind of breath, look at a new me in the mirror and live a new life.

A lot of people say that running away is not the answer, that escaping from the situation and not facing up to it is cowardly. Call me a coward then but I have faced the music more times than I can possibly remember and I always end up the sorry one. I wanna start living my life for me, for myself, get what I want, be who I want to be, without having to think twice about who gets hurt in the process or who gets left out. I want it to be about ME for once. Selfish? I don’t care anymore what other people think. I am just too tired of thinking about the welfare of other people above my own. I have needs too and I need to be selfish this time. I need to look after ME and to look after MYSELF and what I want and need.

I definitely need to get away from it all and to hell with the consequences.

Don’t you just sometimes wish Never Never Land was real and that you could just fly away to that place where mermaids and pirates exist just to get away from it all? I grew up living in my fairytale story books, often wishing for a life away from reality. I would lie in bed at night, look up at the ceiling and imagine what life would be like were I Wendy, flying away with Peter Pan. Or how wonderful life would probably be if I were a princess in a castle and everyone in the kingdom adored me. Growing up, I still hid and lived in the books that I read, constantly hoping for some magic spell to transport me into that world where everything was wonderful and everybody was happy. As I entered into an age where logic began settling in, I then started to realize, real life and fairytale stories are actually quite similar to one another. Peter Pan did not really live a life without care…he had to take care of the Lost Boys and had to dodge the numerous murderous plots of Captain Hook. Wendy did not really have things that easy either. She was being forced to grow up by her parents due to a fault that was not her doing and she was in love with a boy that did not see her in that particular light. If you really try to assess how fairy tales are actually interpretations of the reality of the harshness of life as it really is, you will realize that you are actually living in a fairytale yourself.

I am living a life that is like a fairytale, in a way. I have all the elements that will make my life the perfect fairy tale…an evil antagonist who masquerades as someone who cares but actually does not, a prince charming who wants to help me out of my bind but a dragon keeps him at bay and I have two side-kicks that I have to keep out of trouble while I try to live my life as peacefully and as happily as possible in my fairytale world. Life is indeed one big fairytale and we are all part of it. I am just wondering, will my fairytale end with a Happily Ever After? Or will I evaporate into the sea like mist after my prince charming deserts me for someone else?

It is sometimes extremely hard living the life of an over-emotional, melodramatic, hopeless romantic. You tend to view the world through rose colored glasses and constantly dream of happily-ever-afters that seldom or never come true. That is the kind of life people like me, the heart-over-head types, live day in and day out. We often spend our days wishing that things will end up the way we want them to, regardless of how things are actually progressing. This kind of a mentality often hands people like me a heart that is either missing a piece or a sanity that is slowly being torn to shreds. Oh, we’re not as fragile as some people may think. In fact, we do learn from these follies. The fact that we put our hearts above practical thinking makes us more prone to getting hurt a whole lot more than those people who let their minds rule their hearts, however. We just pick up the pieces and move on, a little smarter but still prone to getting hurt again, nonetheless. That is how heart-over-head people operate.

There comes a time when a person who is ruled by their emotions has to put a stop to this way of thinking and dealing with the world. While it may be hard to do so since we have been living like this for too long a time to start kicking the habit, we do need to force ourselves to face reality and harden ourselves to the harshness of life and all it entails.

I am at a point where I need to let my head rule my heart and where I should think more in a logical manner as compared to my previous emotionally motivated mind set. Being emotionally sensitive to the world around me has actually helped me help other people in need due to the empathy that I feel for them, yet, this kind of thinking has to give way to a harder and less emotional me. I need to toughen up and to stop caring too much. I need to be a bit more mercenary and go after what I want instead of giving in to other people’s needs above my own.

I am an emotional wreck since I am actually confused with the direction my life is going. Introspection does not help me much these days since I sometimes contradict myself just to justify certain actions and decisions. I will have to reassess what I want to do with my life and how I plan to get what I want…without hurting other people in the process. Sounds tough? It is, if you are an over-emotional schmuck like me. Its worth a try though, for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of the people I truly care for.

I am at a crossroads and I need to decide which way I must turn. I know that I need to think more instead of feeling more, but then, that won’t be me anymore. I will just probably let divine intervention guide me where I need to go and hope that where my path leads me is the place I long to be. 

So, do you think that I can learn to put my head over my heart? Nah, i don’t think so. With the way I am built, this is just another example of wishful thinking on my part. I am too emotional to let my head sway me and my heart to do the logical thing. While I may exert an effort, that is all it will ever be…an effort. Let’s just say, I will still have the best intentions in mind for those people that I care for, but in the end, my heart will always rule my head. Wise? Maybe not, but at least I know that I will never run out of love for the people that matter to me and whether or not i get hurt because of this is my cross to bear…with a smile.

It can be pretty exhausting when you try to do what needs to be done just because nobody else will do it. That statement is quite a mouthfull, but it is also quite true. No matter how hard I try to justify why I do what I have to do, I still end up bitter and confused…oh, and extremely tired. Making things work out seems to be a constant thing for me. I have to do this or else…I must do this or else…I will do this if not…Day in and day out, despite being fatigued, or sick or simply not being in the mood, when you have no choice, you have to rise to the occasion. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I have been rising to the occasion for the past  few years of my life simply because…well, who else will? I’m still thankful though, despite the tiredness and the flak I get. Thankful that I am given an opportunity to do what I do and to do it because I can as well as I have to. After all, there may be things that you do not want to do but can do, while there are people who want to do something but cannot because they are unable to. I may sound like I am now babbling, but think about it. Would you rather belong to the side of being unable to do something or being able to do something despite it being somewhat tough to do? Get back to me on that, I’ve got to go do something…again. Hehehe.

I never seem to run out of situations that make me wish I was dead. Just today, just when I was beginning to see some hope to my otherwise bleak and depressing existence, I am again faced with the financial dilemmas that never cease to hound me. Let me enumerate the things I need to focus on. We have, first and foremost, daily consumption. I got that fixed now, with a little something extra every now and then so that my kids can enjoy a little bit of my hard earned cash. Then there is my nanny’s salary, which she was kind enough to allow to be paid in staggered amounts. Add to that electric bills, water bills, cable tv payments and you’ve basically depleted my whole budget. Now, here comes the hard part. I am now working at almost two jobs. Almost, since my gigs are now few and far between, but they’re there, every few days or so. Anyway, I am now faced with the predicament that has something to do with my children’s education, which I do not want to compromise AT ALL! Well, it seems I will have to compromise it, after all, or work at three jobs that could have me working almost 24 hours a day. Do I have a choice? No good ones, I can assure you, but then again, like I can afford to just let things go like that. As usual, since nobody else will be stepping up to the plate, then I AM IT. I will have to work not twice, but three times as hard to make ends meet, to pay for everything my family needs and to hell with what I need or want. Do or die time and I’d rather die trying than let my kids’ futures go down the drain.

Intrigued by the title? Hehehe. It figures. We often see flirting as something negative, but before you jump to certain conclusions, this experiment is done within the confines of my profession. I am often considered the "face" in the group. No conciet there, okay…just stating the facts as I see and hear it. I am the only one with a crown to my name after all. Well, not that my bandmates cannot hold a candle to that…they just never had the chance to try for a title like I did. Mind you, my other co-singer also tried the ramp at one time or another. Anyway, back to my so-called experiment. Seeing ( and hearing) that I was the weakest link in the group, voice-wise, I decided to see what a few smiles and "come-hither" looks would do against the snob, untouchable, holier-than-thou appearance.

My experiment started with us singing at the Marriott. Like I said, it was work related, so I had to do this where we performed, which was at the Marriott Pool Bar here in Cebu every Mondays and Saturdays from 7 pm to 11 pm( blatant gig promotion…I know. Hahaha…it is my blog anyway, so what the heck.) Anyway, I decided to do the "snob" part first. I did not establish eye contact with any of the patrons passing by. I did not smile. I did not dance too much and I did not do the usual sexy moves or whatever it is we usually do, on that particular day. Oh, people would stop and look…for a few minutes, then move right on. I observed this behavior even in the people who were checking us out from inside the hotel ( they could see us from the lobby and from infront of the bank of elevators, should they happen to glance in the direction of the pool). Quite a few of the people ( mostly men…hehehe ) who would see us from that vantage point, would walk towards the full glass windows, check us out then, move on. So concludes part 1 of the experiment.

Part 2 happens a few days later, same venue. I do a complete turn-around. Smile from ear to ear, movements like you’ve never seen before, friendly spiels laced with wit and humor and come hither looks aimed at whoever passed by or who dared to look at us even from the lobby. Result? Full house, till the final set along with chocolates and compliments from a few guests.

Conclusion? Hell…need I say more? It just comes to show that, it not only takes vocal prowess, killer moves and a nice figure and face to capture and hold your audience’s attention. A little well placed smile, a sly wink every now and then and a promise of things that they hope to come ( but obviously will never come to pass…hehehe ), and you’ve got them in the palm of your hand. Sound concieted? Hahaha. I hope not. This experiment was done to help me ( and my group ) find out what will make us better and what can help us capture and maintain our clientele’s rapt attention. After all, we are in the entertainment industry, and if people are entertained by how we sing as well as how they percieve us, so be it. Perceptions can be decieving, after all. In the end, its all over at the end of the show, and we’re back to our old, untouchable selves. That is, until the next gig anyway.